PIRATE LAWS really more of a guideline....
I've modified a few for those of us who are "professional" pirates and have been around probably twice as long as the one who wrote this ;) they will be in "quotes"
A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.
Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute. "I LIKE monkeys"
When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.
"Now nets, rods, spears and harpoons work well if you want to really feed the crew!"
Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.
"when was the last time you saw a pirate with birkenstocks??? Huzzah Y'all"
Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
"or the monkey dies" (I like monkeys)
When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.
" treasure- split the 10% you don't want amongst the crew- It's GOOD to be the captain ;)"
A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.
" unless in said pirate movie that is referenced here badly... "
No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.
"or trying to get laid, then said feelings flow freely"
A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.
"the seasoned pirate trains the monkey to do so too"
During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.
"there's a survior??? when the hell did the rules change to that political correctness, everyone must live ... damn it >.< "
No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".
"WTF???"
All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.
" heh heh never had Wench punch have you??? it will knock you on your ass, and we'll take your coin heh heh ;) " indeed
A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.
"rope burn... morons "
No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.
" this is a lame reference to the make up wearing pirate that you want to be, but aren't - real pirates wear gemstones "
Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
"what dousing, you haven't been sober in a month... people are throwing cooked cabbage at you because it smells better."
No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.
" when have you EVER seen anyone tip back a barrel??? we drink alot, over time, and stay drunk , over time for months "
Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.
" or in my case my hair is BRAIDED and out of my face not looking like hollywood"
A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.
"not true when trying to get laid... there is a chest of treasure set aside for that"
Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.
"unless the moneky does something well... fabulous"
No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.
"oh please how lame... that's the best you've got?"
Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.
"two words : LOADED GUN"
Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
" except : what is the last letter of the alphabet?"
A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".
"plundering is a better word or better yet aquisitioning"
Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".
"history shows what materials were availible to pirates, it is also really : An oath, expressing annoyance or surprise."
Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
"unless you are a girl.. then you just kick ass ;)"
Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
"which is why the british were not pirates"
No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.
" if it's soaked in blood , hey free dye and new shirt!!!"
When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.
"we sing SEA SHANTIES- especially at ren faires"
No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.
"ships dude ships.. stick to the ships"
No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.
"now 2 monekys are free to do what they will"
If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.
"Jewelry works too"
A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".
"except said monkey- who steals your rum for you - well trained monkey ;)"
A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.
" unless they are better than what you own, then hell- have at"
Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.
"never bedded a piratess whelp???"
Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.
"so the telescope thing is just overcompensation for what?"
When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back.
"So the rich man she gave the piggy back ride to was okay to bring along?"
A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
" that's what goats are for"
Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.
"the eye patch was worn so one Eye could have night vision and one would have day vision and one could go under deck and still see"
Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").
"except after feeding the crew 2 week old salted fish"
A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.
"who has ever seen a fish belly white pirate, raise your hand please.... no one?? oh yeah DUH
While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.
"You forget chairs, mugs, other people, tables, daggers, and guns"
No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
"so you shit standing up?" ( eye roll )
Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.
"or hostage negotiations for more gold.. HELLLO???"
When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
" we so too dive ;) "
Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.
"cannoneers are not bright enough to spell FIRE let alone OSHA"
A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.
" see above history of eye patch.. of course it needed to be black!!!" morons
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
"many of history's most blood thirsty pirates were women... remember that whelps"
Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.
"disney is not history"
A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
" no it's not - ever"
Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.
"and you can't spell Bitch without out itch...and it means what??"
No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
"except tea with the monarchy and the monkey"
Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.
"no it's dirty, there is a WHOLE ocean to wash in "
A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.
"we really don;t care what takes us out to sea.. boat, raft, dead body... the open seas are all we care about"
When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.
"Do you know what grog really is??"
The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.
"uh no it's not... it's mostly to whatever god or goddess rules the seas"
No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
"unless drunk on rum with a monkey"
Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.
"Snape Snape Severous Snape..." (it's a potter puppet pals thing)
When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"
" You are fired ' captain john' and please just don't ask why..."
A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.
"or you are trying to get laid"
All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".
" or Captain!! you whelp"
Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.
"uh yes we do : a ship is one of the cleanest places to be..."
Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".
"or dead monkeys"
A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
"no shit I was there...."
A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
"so you like hairy women?"
No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.
"unless at funky formal.. don't know what that is? you aren't cool enough to be invited then..."
Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".
"except when getting laid..."
Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.
"feel up the other crew members, it's a LONG way to port"
Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.
"unless you need to reschedule said duel"
Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.
" you've been drunk for a month you don't know who or where you are, your breathe is not a concern"
Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.
" we follow codes, honor and guidelines though..."
And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...
"LAME JOKE"
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